once i had a dream that my cat was working at mcdonalds w/ me and she had a lil uniform and she kept getting fur in the fries and everyone was yelling at me and saying “ur cat sucks on fries” and i was like “shes just a cat give her a break!” and i woke up crying
im glad dogs cant read the “no dogs allowed” signs so they dont feel sad & left out
get a bible and start reading it out loud i promise u will blow him away with the word of the lord
i feel like tall people at concerts have everything they want in the world
*waits for 911 to call me first so i don’t sound thirsty*
I’m at the grocery store with my grandparents and my grandpa has wandered away and now my grandma is going up every isle yelling his name and im hiding behind a cookie display cuz i dont want anyone to know im with the crazy woman screaming dick at the top of her lungs
- mom: what time did you go to bed last night?
- me: that information is confidential
i just saw an ad that was probably supposed to say accident lawyers but it said accidental lawyers and i can’t sotp laughing “just got my law degree aw man this wasn’t what i meant to do how am i gonna get out of this one”
Ellen as Nicki Minaj for Halloween.